Look at me,
You may think you see
Who I really am,
But you'll never know me.

Everyday,
it's as if I play
A part.

Now I see,
If I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.

Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight,
Back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?


I am now,
In a world
Where I have to hide in my heart,
and what I believe in.

But somehow,
I will show the world what's inside my heart,
And be loved for who I am.


Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show,
who I am inside?


There's a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?

Must there be
a secret me
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.

When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?


ms KL mentioned that the song "Reflection" is blasting on her speakers whenever she comes to my blog.HAHAH. trust me, i nvr put the thing on full blast or wadeva :P

but i prob put this song on my blog, because its as if, every word that is sung, and every feeling that is conveyed through those words, is sthg that i'm experiencing.


its just like how i'm searching for myself, and can't seem to find me, in this huge mess.

I am now,
In a world
Where I have to hide in my heart,
and what I believe in.

what do i believe in?
i've hidden it so much, and tried not to think of it so much til now, i dun even noe wad i believe in anymore. haha. :)


There's a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?

Must there be
a secret me
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.

this wld prob be my fave part of the whole song


the lyrics speak for themselves :)


so my parents and youngest bro are in jb.
and i decided to stay home today with sean tan. haha.

we watched "The Robinsons".
its good.

i like watching disney cartoons. they always get me thinking.

"So i have a choice of taking responsibility for my life, or blaming it on you? I CHOOSE TO BLAME IT ON YOU"

--->said by one of the characters on the cartoon.

true. i feel like i haven't been taking responsibility for my life. i dun wan to spend it wasted.

and in the end, u have no one to blame but urself. :)

I guess... i'm still trying to sort everythg out. and the amt of rubbish in my life, frustrates me. I wish that i cld have a super-duper vacuum cleaner and help me to make all this nonsense go "POOF"! haha.

of course that is not possible, and i just hope for the perseverance? the ability to cont in this journey, even if it feels horrible.

somehow, i just need to carry on :)

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love..."
[1 Peter 1:6-8]

i saw this verse on my wall. i stuck it there for abt 2 yrs? but i nvr really read it again until today.

i'm struggling to believe. but theres not much that i can do otherwise right?
it frustrates me, because i seem to keep gg in circles?
therefore its easier to say, and think that all these are unimportant. Because even though, to me, it is important, i can't find the answers and it prob wldnt matter much anyway.
Why wldnt it matter?
because.
i'd just end up gg in more circles again.

it simply makes me tired :)

i can't be bothered to justify myself by saying things like "even if i'm tired, i gotta keep trying", "i shldn't keep thinking abt myself", "i should stop being so myopic", "God has it all under control, so i need not worry", "I shldnt be tired, aft all, its not like i'm actually doing anythg with my life"

i know all this. but to me. it doesnt matter at all.

even tho i have no reason to be, and no right to be,
i'm just tired :)

and i'll leave it at that.


:)


woots. HELLO!

my plain laziness wld probably explain the lack of update for a whole week. many many apologies... besides the fact that i have tons of things on my mind that i'm trying to figure out, and it just makes me feel like not doing anythg at all. haha.


so anyway, one of the things that is making me slightly perplexed, is that i can't seem to find any gd homes for my four hamster babies. OMG. they are SO adorable now.


2weeks and 2days old...











WAHHH... so adorable. honestly, i cant bear to give them away, BUT i haf to. becoz i already have 6, 4 more wld equal to 10, and i would not be able to take care of so many. BUT SERIOUSLY...

someone.. help me find them good homes please??? :D

actually, these hamsters are pudding hamsters. i guess its a mixed breed. so the mom is a yellow pudding, and the father is a brown striped hammie. but they both haf pudding roots.


ok, i'm gg to try to post up so advertisements somewhere.


dear friends, and family, help me out k?? if anyone wans :)




ok, nx is random pictures




CAN U BELIEVE THERE'S AN AUNTIE'S CLUB?!?!? lol.



does this look like me?? haha. according to liz it does...! her present so cute la.



OKAY. i'm lazy to post the rest.


today's highlight ::: HAMSTERS!!! help me help me help me ..



MANY THANKS!


WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I'M BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK...

okay. not that i've been away for a very long time, but, I'M BACK WITH A FRESH NEW COM!

haha... okay.. not a brand new com, but its all updated and cleared of all the viruses !

i'm really bad at maintainin my com, not to mention clueless, so, my dad was nice enough to help. and even helped me upload alot of stuff like the new internet explorer, anitviruses etc.


yes, i know, i'm like way behind in technology!
but honestly, knowing just the basics, take you a long long way!


so why the sudden maintenance of my laptop u might ask??

because, my family went to the PC fair yest! and my dad.. FINALLY GOT A WIRELESS ROUTER!! hahaha. (yes... all this while, i've had to manually plug in the cable!)

the progamming for the router was pretty screwed up, and took us like two days, plus i had to do so much updating to my com, and cleaning up, and DEFRAGMANTATION. i just learnt what defragmenting is today! hahah. i think my dad was pretty astonished at how clueless i am when it comes to maintaining the com. BUT REST ASSURED.. I shall increase my knowledge of the computer world!

so anw, pc fair wasn't too crowded.. prob because we went really early!

in fact, i didn't even know we were heading to the pc fair, till the taxi arrived at suntec city convention hall.. i just followed my mom as she said there was a john little's sale and i needed to get some stuff. ha!

anw.. we'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking!





after purchasing tons of stuff. we got these lucky draw coupons. (i don't think we won anythg tho!)































Raphael was trying to hide from my cam. but i still caught him!! :P














he doesnt want to be in the picture this badly that he resorts to putting the lucky draw coupons in with his back facing the box!

look at the coupons!!

alot sia.










we den headed to CARL'S JUNIOR for lunch!

believe it or not, my parents have never been there!!





look at the happy first-time customers!






















raphy: "cheche, guess how much this is"
me: "err... $12.90?"
raphy: *smiles* how you know??


when the fact is, that immediately when he came out from the pc fair, he came up to me and said, "look wad mommy bought. and its only $12.90!!"

HAHAHHA












the total bill for the tan family :)












my very happy dad, showing off his new computer bag. he also bought a privacy screen, which i think is absolutely cool and needed in our "kay-poh" society. :P

it works so that no one around can see ur screen except u.

of course, from certain angles, and if the person is standing directly behind u, the screen's contents are still slightly visible. other than that, its total "kay-poh-eyes-proof"!






my brother is totally entertained by his happy meal toy!

and guess wad, the toy is from the "BEE MOVIE"

carl's junior is definitely lagging in their toy department!





















































check out my mom's salad.

it's HUGE!















My sister unwrapping her new toy from the pc fair.




















PIG EAR PLUGS!

LOL










AWWWWWWWW.. SOO CUTE LA MERRI TAN.

i like this photo.

natural happiness shown.


dad: "so if one ear is the pig's head, and one ear is the pigs tail, what's in the middle?
merri:"err.. the intestines"
me:*bursts our laffing* " YOUR BRAIN IS THE INTESTINES!! HAHAHAHA"







HUGE SERVINGS.!

shared a portebello mushroom burger and beef chilli cheese fries with my sister.

SHIOK!!! to the max!

Labels: carls' juniors, pc fair

sooo. my body still feels like crap!

it sucks to be sick... :S



and i think my pillow is giving me headaches.
my mom bought a new pillow. its super thick and comfy, as compared to my old thin and super-comfy pillow.

hopefully, if i continue to sleep on this new pillow, it will become thinner, and thus minimizing the number of headaches i get a day.


HO HO HO



sooo. another short post, because janice is at my hse, and i need to watch over her before she destroys sthg... AHHHHHHHHHHH... as i type, she's trying to destroy my drawers... and she keeps screaming at me for no apparent reason..





SHE'S MAD I TELL YOU. MAD!





next

CHECK OUT MY ONE WEEK-OLD hammytarts!!





notice, there are only 3 again??? one got lost!















THERE. found the missing baby!










mommy picking her/him up
































mommy bringing the baby back to the nest


















mommy: " what you looking at? i did my job! i brought my baby home!" :P










so now we have 4 babies!!

seriously, i think i have two yellows and two browns!!

ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE THEM A HOME??? :)



next

time for midnight snack!









this biscuit is yummy!

for your info, its my last one! and i ate it last night. SO SAD.

next

so, i bought a whole stack of cheap masks online!!!

YES.. i like to pamper myself.

:D





i've been using them and altho' they appear really cheap, they're really refreshing and superb for pampering urself!!



AND NOW... FOR YOUR COMIC RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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For your information, NO that is NOT me.

its some alien with a plastic face!!!!!





HAHA.

ok, so this is so far the only mask that i don't really like.

it totally doesn't fit the shape of my face. i had to manually tear it so that it could.
And i don't i like smell!!!

some rosy smell..


HAHAH. and to think i had a gd impression of crystal masks. oh wells :P




anyway, i'm so sorry that this post is totally lacking of any common sense or structure whatsoever.

reason being---- i totally cant concentrate on whatever i'm writing, because MISS JANICE is totally destroying my room, laffing at everything, digging through my things, and constantly asking my questions.


and YOU KNOW i can't multi-task right???


SO SORRY..!! I SHALL STOP WRITING NOW!! so as to end ur misery of reading this post.



I'M AS FRAGRANT AS A SHOOTING STAR!!



MY BODY FEELS LIKE CRAP!!

i dunno whether i should blame it on JANICE (:P) or blame it on the fact that i've been sleeping on my carpeted floor for the past 3days.

why, u may ask, have i been sleeping on the floor???

for the simple reason that my bed is occupied with things! In my attempt to clean up my v small section of the room i sleep in, shared with my 3 other siblings, i ended up putting alot of knick-knacks onto my bed, to be sorted out at a later date. I started on friday, and was busy till today!! HO HO HO HO. sooo.. yea, had to sleep on the floor. both lame and sad at the same time! LOL.


honestly, i think i nvr vacuum my carpet enough. its super dusty. and thus, i think, both janice and my dusty room has a part to play in my body feeling super sick right now.


due to that fact, this will be an extremely SHORT post!!


sunday

i miss liz@@@!!!!! LIKE TOTALLY. even tho she's only been gone for like 4 days?? church was boring without my very dear cell leader. HAHAHAH. but im glad she's enjoying herself and taking a break in thailand!! hope she has many exciting experiences that she can entertain us with when she comes back!!!!

AND I FINALLY GOT TO SEE BRANDON. yayyyyyyyy.


after such an incredibly looooooonnnnnngggggg time, finally can see his "handsome" face again. moses tan! u better study hard ar, if not... got more complications again! lOL.


so anway.. hse keeping matters that were said.
i remb, when i was younger... (NO, I'm NOT old!!) when gen first started, i was totally committed and my whole life revolved around gen.
also the fact that i stopped sch at sec2 and went into home-schooling, greatly minimized my social circle, and the bulk of my friends were from gen.
so literally, everythin i went through and the things i did was allllllll arnd gen and church.


to hear certain comments that were made, makes me think.

did i waste those years being totally committed and "on fire"?

the answer depends on how u look at it. If i see my time of being committed to the church, as one where i could make more friends etc etc. then OF COURSE i wasted my life. hahaha. coz anyway, its just a youth ministry, and not a family. altho' it used to be like my family.

guess wad my dad said when i was 13 is so true. that ultimately, the only people left standing beside you when u go through shit is ur family, not the church.


but honestly, i don't think i wasted my life.

and its not a waste of time to be "on fire"..

IF YOU'RE IN IT FOR GOD. !

dont be so committed and devoted, to the church. just because of friends, or the influence of the people around you.

be genuine, do it for God, and with a single-devotedness to Him. and i'm sure u won't go wrong



next



so aft service, i ended up gg to mt HA instructors after all. initially i had made up my mind not to go, as it seemed too late, and i wasn't feeling too good.

and i prob wldnt have gone if it wasn't for MISS NOT-GENTLE KAI LEE!!

(see!! joy loves you so much that she would go to accompany you!!)

haha. but it was a "farewell" for izzat!

not that he's really going anywhere! he'll be on the not-so-far island of tekong this thurs.


but hey izzat! (not that u'll read this) but, its been great knowing you for this short time! you're so passionate about camps and now u can haf a long-term 2-yr camp!!! HAHHA. okay, i know, so not funny! but seriously, i'm sure u'll enjoy NS, not matter how shitty it becomes, you'll keep a positive attitude. ! WOOTS>


and honestly, thinking about it, i've made quite a few frenx from the short period of time i've been in campHA.


of course, if i hadn't gone for the campHA interview, i would NEVER haf met our dear kai lee!!

its so funny, how two people who had never met before can click so well after just one meeting!!

kai lee! you noe wad! honestly, i think our frenship started with a smile... YOU REMEMBER?? when the guy was taking our "mugshots" and i found it so funny, and smiled at u, and u nicely smiled back!!

wahahahha. and to think, people kept thinking that we were friends before the interview. HO HO HO HOHO.

ARN'T YOU FEELING SO BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH AN ADORABLE, NICE, FRIENDLY, PRETTY, SWEET, GENTLE, NICE, NICE, NICE, friend like meeEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

:P




ta-dah. the kai lee.

HAHAHA.


this is the only non-shaky picture. we just randomly stopped and took the picture.

sure, it was retarded, BUT HEY... no one really cares! HAHAH....

BTW! FORGOT TO TALK ABT THE STARBURST LOLLIES!! i wanted to go candy empire, but apparently we were too far, and kai lee was LAZY.. as usual. then, just nice, we passed by cocoa tree, and i saw the lollies!!

so we decided to try it!!!
it turned out to be really nice and juicy!!

its officially my new found love!!! GO TRY OKAY. 90cents. :D





and so after rashid tricked dave into coming down to marina square from bukit panjang, and the rest of us had to leave! LOL

we were like.. "hey, i'm gg toilet, BYE"

poor dave.

and anw, alvin, kailee and myself went to carrefour to get sushi!!

coz i kept on going on and on about how the sushi prices would drop aft 9pm!!

and yesh, i gotta fulfil my sushi cravings!!

we had salmon sushi. SO FRESH. VERY GOOD LEH. omg. i craving to eat it !!

also..
$3 for 6 sushi.
so i persuaded alvin buy more and share with me and fill his ever-small stomach, as the bottomless pit in me was itching to have more!! !!!
and i opened alvin's eyes to the japanese way of eating sushi.

1. take the sushi
2. lavish ur sushi with wasabi
3. dip it in soya sauce
4. pop the WHOLE thing in your mouth!

i can eat 3 big sushi in less than a minute!! HAHAHAHAHHA..

i'm a true-blue japanese eater :P




next

5-day old babies!


















so cute leh!!!

5 days already... can you see the brown!


ohkay. this is the end of my short post!

headache sia!!



BLINKING MY EYES IS AS EASY AS EATING SUSHI!!

Labels: baby hamsters. starburst, sushi

i'm back with more photos!

honestly, i quite lazy to update. HEE. but for the sake of putting up the photos taken, i shall just blog about the happenings from yesterday and today!


FIRST.

remember the fish i caught?? (with weijie's help of course)

well, my mom scaled and cleaned it, and yesterday, we had it for lunch!!

my mom fried that fish, along with dory fish that she had bought from the market.

guess which one tasted better!!!!

THE ONE THAT I CAUGHT!! wahhh.. so shiok rite. my mom planning to go fishing next week liao, all geared up, since she wans to catch more big fish. HAHA.




ta-dah! the fish filleted and being marinated!!


















look at the super big scales! my mom was commenting on how hard the scales were.











frying of the fish.

if u are wondering, why its taken from so far away, its because i was afraid to go any nearer, due to the splattering oil!!! :P

























this is the end product!

LOOKS YUMMY RITE.?!?!

i feel like eating...

MMmmmmMMMMmMM.








fried mash potato balls that my mom made to go along with the yummy-licious fish!































mommy and merri tasting the fish... and lovin' it!
















raphy tasted the fish ... and lovin' it!





















YUMMY FISHY IN MY MOUTHY! .... and lovin' it!





NEXT.

met up with joel and janice at the airport to send liz off.

she's now in thailand!! i hope shes enjoying herself!!! YAYY...
we were supposed to go traveling together in june, but due to unforseen circumstances, planning of the trip has been postponed... till further notice!!

unfortunately, i have no pictures of liz, because.. i only took my cam out aft she departed and we went to eat at popeyes!!



SO YUMMY. ooooooooooh. YUM.



















janice is bowing down to me. HAHA.

okay the story goes like this: see the flooring? we were playing a game. you can step only on the black tiles. so while doing this, we started playing catching. and she fell while trying to catch me. HAHAHHAA. and no, she's not crying. shes laffing her head off, and had to kneel on the floor to catch her breath.


LOL.












TSK TSK. janice took all her courage while liz was away, and proposed to joel!!!

TSK TSK TSK TSK TSK TSK TSK.

lol. well, in actuality, joel was sprinkling water on her, so make it seem like it was raining (???), and den, she was laffin so hard, and cldn't stand up. so joel was helping her.










candy empire!!

my starburst babies finishing already!! time to replenish with new flavours...


i saw starbusrt lollys! that shall be my next purchase!

ho ho ho

joel: 'janice, ur head too small la'
janice: 'huh?'
joel: 'if not u can put ur head into the crown already'

????????? HUH... i dun get it joel. lol




u shall soon receive the card to her wedding.

YAY.. (:














my favourite ice cream!! (one of the many favourites i have that it!)

MR BEAN SOYA ICE CREAM!!
TOTALLY YUMMILICIOUS!!

joel: 'joy, u can get the ice cream for free!'
me: '?'
joel: 'it says I SCREAM OF JOY. so u can say. i'm joy, thats my ice cream!!'
me: 'hahhahahha. I WANT ICE CREAM'




























this is gonna be a random post!!

FIRST!
my hamster gave birth!! LOL...

i think i'm pretty observant, because i changed her cage two days ago and decided to separate her from the male.

two days later(which is today), i saw 3 babies!!

thats the mommy!!

and now.. a CLOSE-UP picture of the one-day-old babies!!

many people may suddenly cover their eyes when they see this pic! but to me, its simply adorable!! HAHA.. btw, the baby at the bottom, does not have HUMONGOUS eyes.. unfortunately, thats a piece of shit. HAHAHA> dun worry, they're clean creatures!!

i hope mommy takes good fantastic care of them. and soon i'll have 3 pudding babies!!

anyone interested in giving them a home?? :)



SECOND
so today was the last day of the night meetings with Pst Brian Bailey in cornerstone community church. he spoke on healing today. nothing much to comment on that.

but just one thing. I think today, pst Bailey showed more of his human side. (i.e when he spoke on how he got upset because suzette wasn't there to take him to the hospital, due to jury duty).

and it was funny how he dipped his hand into his orange juice by accident. oh dun forget his pink tie! HAHA

well, i know all these are non-important and irrelevant happenings. but its nice to know we're all human. :)



ALSO... i want to say

THANK YOU TO THE SISTER.


MERRI REBEKAH TAN MEIYEN MULIAYANTI!


reason being, before the service started, she came by, and passed me a white plastic bag.

this white plastic bag contained .....................

EGG TART!!

wahh.. i was, and am, sooo touched!!

well she probably didn't want to see my black face after service like yesterday.

A HUNGRY JOY IS AN ANGRY JOY.

haahha. this phrase doesn't apply just to men only okay.. its weird, but i get cranky when i'm hungry...

but honestly, it was a pleasant surprise! and thank you for being so sweet my little itty bitty sister.. (ok, i guess 16 is not exactly little anymore. HAHA)






yummy eggtart from hua li xuan! btw... nice blue nails ar!!! heeheehee

me: 'YAY. I SO HUNGRY! BUT... I GOT EGG TART. WAHAHAHHA'

merri: 'aiya, but eat now not crispy already."

me: 'huh?? ITS SUPPOSED TO BE CRISPY AR?? was it hot just now'

merri: 'i dunno. isit still crispy?'

me *bites into the delicious eggtart* 'MMMMMMMMMmmmMMM. its still crispy! AND ITS VERY NICE! THANKEW THANKEW THANKEW'




"YEAH... THE EGGTART IS GOOD"


"YEAH... I LIKE!!"


hahahhaa.... funny how the words on my shirt tally with my expression and feelings. woots!



LASTLY... ahahahahhaha... a picture of liz and merri. taken by joel ! HAHHA. they'll kill me if they see this pic. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.


comic relief yea!

its good to read joy's blog, BECAUSE U'LL BE FILLED WITH JOY.

after all, how can one not laugh after viewing all the lame, spastic, horrific photos! AHHAHA


I'M AS CLEAN AS A WRINKLE!

Labels: baby hamsters. egg tart.

heaven. heaven. heaven.

a topic that i have not heard for quite some time.

somehow, when he spoke abt heaven, i found it scary.

like how our life on earth is a trial for where our eternal place in heaven will be.


he mentioned abt a girl and how she was diagnosed with leukemia, died and taken to heaven at the age of 22. and when he questioned God about it. God told him its coz she gained favour in His sight. because He saw wad she would have to go through if she took up the call to go to burkino farso, and that it would be a tough road ahead. So in His mercy, He took her to heaven and gave that call upon her to go to burkino farso to another girl.

but then i wonder. how abt the other girl that went to burkino farso? the one who took up the call that she left behind. did that girl not find favor in His sight. ? but wasnt she also serving the Lord..??


well, its not really a big deal. and i'm definitely not in a position to question God's sovereignty.

i noe there are many things that i do not understand. after all, i am but a human.

human. human. human.

but when i think about heaven, and the prospect of me being there one day, i get a little frightened. Maybe its just the uncertainty of it all.

questions like... will i be able to make it? will i hit the mark? will my life be pleasing to Him?


the more i think about it, the more upset i become. HAHA.
actually, more like i'm afraid of how my life will turn out


haunted. haunted. haunted.

guess i'm still running away from alot of things in my life. well, not really alot. but i guess. we could narrow it down. to a few significant scarring events.
i often dun realize it, but the wound is still there and, apparently not healed. in fact, whenever anything or anyone reminds me of that wound, i push it/ them away.

its truly not on purpose. but it seems like reflex. ! LOL.



its funny, but recently, this feeling of being haunted by past events has been so strong.


i was reading 'captivated' by john and stasi eldredge, but i stopped about 2mths ago. because, i found it too painful and hard to do what they were saying to do.

we try to move on and pretend that whatever happened didn't matter, because its too painful to think about it.
its too painful to say 'it mattered', because you don't want to be reminded of it anymore.
we put everything we don't want to remb in a special compartment in our heart and throw away the key.
we want to heal, but its too painful to go back to those memories and be healed.
we say we dun want to think or talk about it, because we want to move on. but in actuality, the wound itself is festering, because of the lack of care and attention that should have been spent on it.

like many of you, i often find myself hiding away. wearing a mask. and pretending that everything is okay.

its not that everything is not okay, or that i'm being totally superficial when i'm out with friends.

its only when someone talks abt the topic, or makes me remb.. that i start closing up. i start hurting, and i can't bear the memories :)
like i said... my reflex... QUITE POWER SIA. hahaha.

i hope people will stop trying to rush me. its not as easy as u think.
and i'm truly grateful to all those who have been understanding. and knowing that i'm trying my best. I appreciate that u do not force things on me, and instead, give me space to breathe. thank you thank you so much.


having to open up that place in my heart and the memories in my mind to let Him in to heal. i dunno why, but i can't seem to do it.

mayb my lack of courage? or the lack of strength to continue on if it fails? the fear that the pain to be healed would be unbearable? the fear of the memories that i've tried to bury deep in my mind?


i guess more than anything, i'm like a puppy with its tail between its legs. too afraid to move. :)


i noe if i continue this way, nothing is gonna change.


that scares me.


to live the rest of my life
..... as a failure
..... with regrets
..... in fear
..... superficially
..... and most of all, away from God



all along, i've always known that there's more to life. i guess God put in me that unsatisfied desire, a desire that only He can fill.

it most definitely explains all the times of frustration and discontentment.

no wonder the topic of heaven would brg uneasiness into my spirit.

because, unlike many christians, i don't have full assurance of where i will be.

Pst Bailey spoke abt 3 heavens. and how those in the outer heaven would be contented.


but for me, if i were to end up in the outer courts, even if i felt contented, i dun think i would be truly happy. because i would feel so far away from God, and i know, He wants me, and all of His children to be near to Him.

i'm not speaking presumptously, or assuming that i am such a holy, spiritual person.

but i'm just saying, that i wish to be close to Him.
even at times when i struggle with doubt and disbelief. loneliness and emptiness. hardship and pain. somehow, no matter how much i'm angry or disappointed at God. I know He's the only one who can help me.

when He seems so far away. that i give up trying to find Him, and instead end up pushing Him away. do i still Believe that He is Able??

as much as my feelings tell me otherwise, i still choose to believe.


:)

ANYWAY. I FINALLY FOUND MY FAVOURITE SNACK!!

the first time i had this was after a jog, at chenyi's hse. i was starving, and i ate one of this snack things, and since then i've been addicted! its like a corn puff? but i suppose healthier, because the packagin shows all kinds of nuts and beans, so i suppose its made with all those healthy nuts and beans?? and there's a really nice saltish-sweetish creamish middle. LOL. i dun really know how to explain in to u, but its simply TOO UNIQUE to be explained!!!!!!

in fact, i've been looking all over for this.

coz she said that her dad gets is from some ulu place. and i was so sad, coz i din even noe where that place.

BUT THEN!

recently i found it at japan home for $3.20.

AND GUESS WHAT?!?

on sunday, we were randomly walking to church. AND I SAW IT!

the love of my life!

for $2.70!!!! OMG> SO SHIOK> OF COURSE I COULDNT RESIST AND JUST HAD TO BUY ONE PACK!!

PEOPLE GO BUY AND TRY. IT ROCKS. SERIOUSLY!!

TA-DAHHHH....










and thus i end this post with the usual random spastic photos. My eyes look so screwed in the pic! LOL...


I'M AS HARDY AS A GOOSE!!


after a long absence of jap food in my life, it seems, recently, i've been treated with an abundance of yummy jap food!!

yesterday had waraku's. and honestly, i loved it!! thanks for the treat mr seah :)


chawanmushi. a must have! at every jap restaurant!


sukiyaki. soup with tofu, and veg over a mini stove


beef!! raw.. to be dipped into the soup. OMG> i love this. TO THE MAX.

but i realized that both wendy and adrian who treated me for jap food are not as into it as me! HAHA. WHY AR... I SIMPLY LOVE JAP FOOD! and, it made me feel slightly bad when i realized adrian doesnt take jap food at all! and there i was happily eating :P


next
today for dinner, my mom made jap!! and i helped!!


first up
our MUST - HAVE chawanmushi!!
its actually pretty simple. its steamed egg after all. the key is to let it cook over low low heat.
and its like half a cup of water to every one egg.

if u noe wad i'm trying to say.

usually we haf more ingredients like chicken etc, but my mom wanted to make it quick, so everything was simple!!



crabmeat...


bonito sauce! from daiso... $2 a bottle.



dried mushrooms.


a half-filled chawanmushi with crabmeat! ho ho


thats my mom pouring everythg into the containers







and then we have our two-tiered steamer!!

simple isnt it??? nx time i shall make. 6.3, get ready to taste my skill! HO HO HO.


secondly..
SUSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



okay everyone. please. start drooling. WHY. coz thats the first sushi i made. HAHAHHAHA. okay fine, i noe it doesnt look that appetizing. blame it on the green seaweed like thingy!!!!!!

but honestly. it tasted terrific!



ta-dah! assortment of sushi. from the pic, i suddenly see how miserly i am when it comes to the salmon roe (2nd row of sushi from the bottom). initially i was putting alot more, but then, when my mom told me she bought it for like $14.90! i kinda started distributing everything more evenly. HAHHAHAHA. i didn't really do a good job tho, because u can see all the exposed white rice in the sushi. LOL. well, my mom topped it up. but HEY, i wanted to save the eggs!
laff at my frugality. yeaaa rite. :P



and yea, we had cha-soba. the sister's favourite.

i still love the sushi. i had TEN pieces. WOOTS>

anyone who wans to try my handmade sushi, LET ME NOE! i'll give it to u at a discounted price! HAHA.


next

on a sidenote, i wanted to mention the fact that i peeled a mountain of prawns this morning.

honestly, i wldn't have bothered peeling them, if it were not for the fact that my mom had hurt her fingers. so being the sweet, filial daughter (*cough cough*) that i am. i helped her.
i had completely forgotton how much i hate peeling prawns.

those icky, yucky, sicky, gooey things.

first is the head. THE THING THAT CAN CUT YOU. who says that dead things dun hurt.

and then u proceed to peel off the shell.

the worst thing is the smell!!!

after HALF an HOUR of peeling! and washing my hands countless times, the smell was still there.

honestly, its a whole crappy amount of work for less than a half a mouthful of food.

while i was peeling those prawns, an image of hokkien mee came to my mind.

an image of a plate of hokkien mee, with no more mee, but prawns left on the side of the plate!!!

WOE TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T BOTHER TO EAT UR PRAWNS!!

seriously, its a LOT of work. so next time u think about wasting your prawns...

THINK AGAIN>

*eh, if u allergic or anything.. PLEASE dun eat. *


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